This morning I begin a new series of messages called "Love after Marriage." Does the title communicate loudly and clearly a widespread problem in husband-wife relationships? Where did the love go? Certainly, at least in most cases, there was a tremendous amount of love present when the "I do's" were exchanged on wedding day. But how can that love be maintained in such a way that the commitment can last a lifetime?

The Beatles used to sing "All You Need Is Love." But with more than half of all marriages not making it, evidently something is needed more than just love. The American family is in deep trouble. With poetic imagery Solomon talks about the "little foxes that ruin the vineyards," (Song of Songs 2:15), referring to the things that extinguish the flames of love. Paul doesn't use poetry. He just flat out says that those who marry will have many problems (1 Cor. 7:28).

In this six-part series I want to help you understand why love often wanes in a relationship. But, more importantly, I want to teach you some biblical principles which God ordained to help your marriage thrive. Singles, don't zone me out. You need to hear these principles. They will help you evaluate the causes for a previous marital failure and/or help you prepare for a future relationship God may have in store for you. Students, most of you will marry one day. Now is the time you need to understand the biblical model for a healthy marriage.

Today I want us to study closely one verse of Scripture and talk about two words that can save your marriage. The one verse is Ephesians 5:33. This verse is located at the end of one of the classic biblical passages dealing with marriage. The one verse says, "However, each of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). The two main verbs in this verse are the two words that can save your marriage. They are love and respect.

There are three components to my message today. First, there is one verse to understand. Allow me to make a few observations about this single verse. First, grammatically, the verbs are in the imperative mood. In other words, what we have here are two commands, one for husbands and one for wives. Husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. I know relationships are complex. But let me tell you, if couples obeyed this one verse, their love would last a lifetime. Divorce would practically be a thing of the past. Men, do you want your marriage to work? Then you better love your wife. By the way, the word love in the original language is agape which means a completely selfless, Christ-like love. Wives, do you want more love in your marriage? Then you better respect your husband.

Second, love and respect are to be given unconditionally. It's kind of comical, but I guess there is some element of truth in what I'm about to say. On the second Sunday of May, women get elevated to the highest level. On the third Sunday of June, men get hammered. I'm talking about the nature of sermons on Mother's Day and Father's Day. In May we pastors usually give highest praise to all the mothers and throw in some elements of rebuke toward the husbands. Then on Father's Day in June we rake the men over good.

Today is different. Look at the verse again. "Husbands, love your wives." We hear that a lot in church, don't we? We read that in books on marriage all the time. But what about the last part of the verse? "The wife must respect her husband."

If I were to ask all the men, "How many of you believe that you should love your wives?" they all would raise their hands. If I were to ask them, "How many of you believe that you should love them unconditionally, no matter what?" I believe once again every man's hand would be raised. If I were to ask the wives, "How many of you believe you should respect your husbands?" almost every hand would go up. But if I ask, "How many of you believe you should respect your husbands unconditionally, no matter what?" I believe we would lose a significant number of hands.

It's easier to talk about unconditional love. It's a little harder to accept unconditional respect. Yet I believe this might very well be one of the missing links in resolving marital conflict because it is so often neglected in biblical teaching. It takes both words in action to keep the love fires burning.

Before I get into more of the practical part of my message, I think it's important to get into the reason why God worded His instructions this way. No where in the Bible is the woman told to agape her husband. Did you know that? There is one verse in Titus that you might point out. It indicates that older women are to train the younger women to love their husbands. But the word here is phileo, not the same word as agape in the Ephesians passage.

So why does God tell the husband to love and the wife to respect? He didn't need to tell the wives to love because by their God-given nature, they already love. They are sensitive, loving, compassionate creatures. On the other hand, respect probably does not come as easily. For the men, naturally they aren't loving creatures. But they thrive on respect. They have to work on being sensitive, loving and compassionate.

How can couples begin to build the truths of this single verse into their marriage? That leads me to the second component of my message. There are two issues to clarify. These issues are not original with me. They came primarily from an excellent book on marriage by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect. I've used this book a great deal in developing the messages for this series. The first issue is called the crazy cycle. In a nutshell the crazy cycle goes like this: Without love, she reacts. Without respect, he reacts.

If love has waned in your marriage, I can pretty well guarantee that you have gotten on this crazy cycle, and you don't know how to get off. For example, the wife feels like she's not being loved by her husband. So what happens? She criticizes, making the man feel like he's not respected. Since he's not respected, he's not going to love his wife like he should. That removes any desire in the wife to show respect for her husband. So the two of them remain on this crazy cycle. The cycle keeps repeating itself. And the longer they remain on it, the harder it is to restore health to the marriage.

To get off the crazy cycle, the couple needs to understand the pink-blue reality. This is the second issue I need to clarify. From the beginning of time God wired men and women differently. Women wear pink sunglasses. They see the world as pink. Men wear blue sunglasses. They see the world as blue. Women wear pink hearing aids. They hear things from a pink viewpoint. Men wear blue hearing aids. They hear things from a blue viewpoint.

In essence, what I am saying is that couples need to realize that people communicate in codes. We're hearing a lot about breaking the Da Vinci code. Well, couples need to learn to decipher the communication codes. What I say is not what you hear and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all. For example, when your wife stands in her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what does she mean? She means that she doesn't have anything new in her closet. When the man stands in his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," he means that he doesn't have anything clean to wear.

I might say something that upsets Anita. I don't have a clue how what I said upset her. Every other woman in Chapin would probably understand. They could get together and conclude, "Men are so brain dead. They have two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it." Women hear with their pink hearing aids.

On the other hand, Anita might say something to me that deflates me. So I go into the silent stonewalling position, which seems childish to her. Every other man in Chapin would probably understand and relate to similar circumstances in their marriage and say, "Let's get these witches a broom." Men hear with blue hearing aids.

I know all this makes sense and hits home, but what can we do about it? Let me move into the final stage of my message and mention three applications to implement. First, obey Ephesians 5:33. Men, agape your wives. Women, respect your husbands. Men, if God commands us to love our wives, then that must mean she truly needs love. Love is the air that helps her breathe. If she doesn't receive love from you, it's like stepping on her air hose. When her deepest need for love is not met, then you may as well expect her to react negatively towards you.

Women, respect your husbands. You might say, "He doesn't deserve my respect." Doesn't matter. God says to respect him. If God commands the wife to respect her husband, then he must really need respect. Respect is the air that helps him breathe. When his deepest need for respect is not met, then you may as well expect him to react negatively.

A survey of 400 men asked the question: If you were forced to endure either being left alone and unloved in the world or feeling inadequate and disrespected by all, which would you choose? 74 percent of the men said they would rather be left alone and unloved in the world. The respect issue is not talked about as much as the love issue is. But it is just as important.

Second, assume the best about your spouse. Most husbands and wives, by and large, are good, decent human beings who don't intentionally try to hurt their spouse. Remember the blue-pink reality. She may really think she's acting out of love when she points out one of your faults. She really believes she is trying to make the family experience more healthy and wholesome. Interpret it as such. Assume the best about her.

In the same way, women, assume the best about your husband. By and large, he longs to have a healthy and successful family. He's not plotting behind the scenes to come up with ways he can make his family suffer. He's not trying to come across to you in ways that are unloving.

Third, learn to respond in healthy ways. Let me talk to men first. If your wife harshly criticizes you, I promise you it will not help for you to return ugliness with ugliness. I can also promise you that stonewalling and walking off is not the best response. Do you really want a fresh perspective on how to keep love strong after marriage? Then recognize that when your wife harshly criticizes you for something, in all likelihood she is crying out for love. Train yourself to ask and answer these two questions: Is she being disrespectful because she is feeling unloved? In other words, am I stepping on her air hose? Here is the other question: Will what I say or do next come across as unloving or loving to her? If you want your marriage to work, then understand that you cannot avoid conflict.

Women, as you learn how to respect your husband, please understand that most men thrive on verbal affirmation. They usually are not as comfortable as women are in talking openly about issues. To you, it's no big deal. It's very important that you use your words and approach carefully. If your husband goes into silent mode, in all likelihood, he is crying out for respect. You have stepped on his air hose. Ask yourself these two questions: Will what I'm about to say come across as affirming or disrespectful? Have I in any way shown disrespect to my husband?

Through the years thousands of books have been written on how to build a happy and healthy marriage. They all can add tremendous insights. But please remember that you cannot improve on God's blueprint. Men, agape love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Love and respect. Two words that can save your marriage. Make sure Christ is the center point of your life. He will help you implement this blueprint in your marriage.

This message is adapted from the truths found in Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.