Today we pick up again with the series of messages I am calling "Love after Marriage." Since we started this series two weeks ago and took a break last week, let me review the main thoughts from the first message. The key verse for these messages is Ephesians 5:33—"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." The two words that can save your marriage are love and respect. Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband.

We talked about the crazy cycle. Without love, she reacts. Without respect, he reacts. It becomes a never-ending cycle unless one or both makes the decision to start loving or to start respecting. We talked about the blue-pink reality. Women see with pink sunglasses and hear with pink hearing aids. Men see with blue sunglasses and hear with blue hearing aids.

Today we're going to ask the question: how do you spell "love"? Today and next Sunday I'm going to teach men six ways they can demonstrate genuine love. Then the following two Sundays I will teach women how they can demonstrate genuine respect. Remember, if you're single, don't hit your delete button. You need these truths also.

How do you spell "love"? You spell it C-O-U-P-L-E. That's an acrostic we will use to teach six ways to live out God's command for you to love your wife. Think about this word, couple. It suggests two people connected together. And that is the key to how women view relationships. Wives long for connectivity. If she comes across as negative or offensive, she is crying out for "couple." She wants to connect. She wants your love.

The "C" stands for closeness. Your wife is wired by God to desire closeness. We find this truth in the description God gives for the very first marriage in the Garden of Eden. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). The man shall cleave unto his wife. The word means to cling, hold, or keep close. It depicts the two joined together, face to face.

Did you know that in all of God's creation, only humans engage in sexual intimacy face-to-face? But cleaving is more than sexual; it also suggests spiritual and emotional closeness. Your wife will feel loved when you move toward her and let her know you want to be close. A look, a smile, or a touch moves you toward her and communicates love.

There is a very interesting Old Testament verse that I believe gives great insight into this closeness I'm talking about. "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married" (Deuteronomy 24:5). The Israelites got it. They understood that the first year of marriage was fundamental. It set the tone for closeness before the wear and tear of war, career, and other responsibilities became a fact of life.

We know this custom is not practical in 2006. But the principle is the same. Men you can set the tone for closeness. How? It might be something as simple as changing your routines when you come home from work in the evening. Instead of plopping in front of the TV with your cool one while your wife fixes supper, why not join her in the kitchen? Talk about your day and hers. Set the table. Dialogue. Stay after dinner and help clean up. When you're authentic, she senses that you want to connect with her. And that spells "love."

Face-to-face talking is heart-to-heart time. Go into Starbucks or practically any coffee shop. What do you see? Tiny round tables where two people can sit close and face-to-face. Starbucks gets it. Go over to The Pointe and you will find little round tables with stools. And most of the time you will see our students sitting around them talking face-to-face. There are some obvious lessons here for husbands. Your wife wants closeness.

Listen to these words from a woman in love: "I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go…" (Song of Songs 3:4). Think of a continuum with involvement on one side and independence on the other side. Women tend toward involvement. Men, tend toward independence. It's part of that pink-blue reality. Men, you will probably never be able to get involved as much as your wife would like. And, yes, men do need their space. But you won't get it as long as you're withholding what she needs—and that is closeness.

So how do you get off the crazy cycle and get on a cycle that energizes your relationship? Many ways. There is power in holding a hand, hugging, being affectionate without wanting sex, taking a walk, being alone with her—anything that demonstrates you want to be close. Okay, ladies, talk to me. This closeness thing—am I right?

Using the acrostic C-O-U-P-L-E, the "O" stands for openness. Your wife wants you to be open with her. In my years of ministry I have counseled with many couples going through marital strife. Almost without fail, the man will position himself so that he is facing me. Occasionally he will glance at his wife, but he's not too keen on eye contact with her. On the other hand, she positions herself so that she can see him and me. She's trying to figure out what is going on inside of him. She wants the problems out in the open so they can be discussed. He's not even convinced there is a problem.

Once again, I remind you that God wired men and women differently. She is expressive-responsive. He is compartmentalized. Let me explain it this way. Take a string of Christmas lights. These lights are made with a couple of different types of circuits. With one brand, you can accidentally crush one of the lights and all the other lights go out. With the other you can step on several lights, knocking them out; but the other bulbs keep burning.

Wives are like the first circuit. If there is a conflict in the marriage, it affects her whole being. All her lights go out, and she shuts down. Why? Because her personality is integrated. Her body, soul, and mind are connected, causing her whole system to react. The husband doesn't understand this. He can say something unkind to his wife and keep on operating as if there is no problem. His blood pressure may be 200/110, but he's poker-faced and can keep everything close to his vest.

Back during the days of courting, things were different. The man was more open. In fact, it was that openness that wooed her into his life. Take a look at another Bible verse that describes what I'm talking about. "I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: ‘Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night'" (Song of Songs 5:2).

Men, you used to sound like that. You were trying to woo the woman of your dreams. Then once you won her, contentment set in. You don't understand that it was your openness that communicated loudly and clearly that you loved her. Now that you've married, you don't see the need to be open and to share your heart with her.

But she longs for that same openness. She tries and tries to get you to talk to her. Sometimes her efforts may come across to you as a district attorney drilling you on the witness stand. And if you aren't careful, you may develop a bitter spirit. Perhaps that's what Paul had in mind when he wrote to one of the churches, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them" (Colossians 3:21, NASB).

Men, you have a choice about how you handle your wife's sensitivity and her need for openness. You can close up and refuse to be open. Or you can move toward her and strive to connect with her by being more open. How? A start is simply talking to her about your day and asking her about hers. Here's a great strategy. Ask her what one thing she'd like for you to pray about today. And then why not go ahead and pray with her. Bring up the subject of your first date or the day you proposed to her. Or just use the words of Solomon: "My darling, my dove, my flawless one." But then again, she may call the shrink if you do that.

How about it, wives? Openness—am I right? Do women want their men to be open with them?

Third, the letter "U" stands for understanding. Men, can I let you in on a little secret? Your wife does not want you to fix her as much as she wants you to understand her.

Not too long ago Anita was frustrated and distraught over an issue. She was telling me about it and asking me, "What am I going to do?" Well, I'm a man. And when a man is asked, "What am I going to do?" the noble thing to do is to list all the options and state which one you think is the best. Sounds good. The problem is—Anita didn't want my advice. She didn't want to hear my strategy. She just wanted me to listen to her and understand her hurt.

Men, God lays it on straight when the Bible says, "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman" (1 Peter 3:7). I know this verse drives feminists crazy. But, again, I remind you that God created men and women differently. Notice the verse did not tell us to understand women. We'll never be able to do so completely. Instead, we are told to live with them in an understanding way.

Look at it this way. According to Ephesians 5, the husband is the Christ figure; the wife is the church figure. Just like the church places its burdens on Christ, the woman wants to place her burdens on her husband. So men, it is a compliment when she comes to you for understanding because she sees you as a burden-bearer, someone with big, broad shoulders. But if you ignore her or make light of her needs, you will devastate her spirit.

A wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. She says to her husband who is standing close by, "You know, love, I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags to my waist, my rear is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." Then she says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

This guy just flunked the "understanding" test, didn't he? He could have said, "Honey, to me you're still the most beautiful thing God ever created."

How can you be a more understanding husband? Use the greatest weapon God gave you—your ears. Just listen to her and she will feel more like you understand her. And when you understand her, then she feels loved. And when she feels loved, you start getting the respect that you've been crying out for.

Men have to be at the end of their ropes before they will ask for help. Mike goes to Joe with a problem at home. He's not there to release his emotions. He wants some advice. Joe says, "Have you thought about doing this?" "No. That's a good idea. I'll try it." Joe goes home that night and his wife comes to him with a problem. He had good luck with Mike, so he tries to solve his wife's problem, and she says, "Will you quit trying to fix me and just try to listen for a change?" He sees this as disrespectful. So he pulls back. And there the crazy cycle goes again. Men, maybe we need to learn to respond with, "Honey, do you need a solution or do you just want me to listen?"

Your wife will know you're trying to understand her when you can repeat back to her what she just said. She will know you're trying to understand her when you don't try to give her solutions to her problems (unless she asks you to). She will know you're trying to understand her when you apologize and admit that you were wrong. She will know you're trying to understand her when you never dismiss her feelings. She will know you're trying to understand her when you pray with her and for her.

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." How do you spell "love"? C-O-U-P-L-E, which spells closeness, openness, and understanding. Next week, we'll find out what the P, L, and E stand for.