This morning we continue our series of messages we're calling "Love after Marriage." I appreciate the positive feedback you've given me. And the hallway chatter is great. Some of you ladies have already thanked me for helping you out over the last couple of weeks, especially when I mentioned our trip to Hawaii later this summer to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. On the other hand, the men in the house have looked forward to this day because I'm going to begin a two part message on how wives need to respect their husbands.

The focal verse which has served as the foundation for this series of messages says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband. Women usually don't need help loving. It comes naturally. But they do need help giving respect.

Just as the man is to love his wife unconditionally, the wife is to respect her husband unconditionally. The great fallacy that hinders many marriages is the belief that respect must be earned. But that's not what the Bible says. It says nothing about withholding respect if the person doesn't deserve or hasn't earned it. No, it just says, "the wife must respect her husband." Wives, you would do well to take the respect test and write down the many ways you respect your husband. Shock him one day and say, "Honey, just wanted you to know I respect you a whole lot."

Believe the best about your spouse. Even in marital conflict I believe that most women and most men are by and large good-natured people who do not intentionally do things that will create anger and disharmony. The Bible says, "But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife….But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband" (1 Corinthians 7:33-34). Most likely, your husband is not set on a course to hurt you. He wants a happy marriage.

How do you spell love? Remember, we used the acrostic C-O-U-P-L-E to identify six ways that husbands can love their wives. How do you spell respect? I know Aretha spelled it out loud and clear R-E-S-P-E-C-T; but for our purposes we're going to spell it C-H-A-I-R-S. Let's jump in.

The "C" stands for conquest. Not in the dark ages sense of male chauvinism when men believed it was their right to conquer women. By conquest, I refer to the inborn desire of man to go out and conquer the challenges of the world. I'm talking about man's God-given desire to work and to achieve. Wives, if you can understand how important your husband's work is to him, you will be taking a giant step toward communicating respect and honor—two things he actually values more than love. Don't get me wrong. He values love greatly. But he spells it R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

A man loses his job. He comes home extremely distraught and dejected. The wife says, "It's okay, honey, we still have one another." Do you think that helps him? Most likely not. He plops in his chair and withdraws from the family and the world. And she doesn't understand why he's acting like that.

Where did man get this natural desire to work? Very simply, from God. Go back to Adam, the very first human. The Bible says, "The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it" (Genesis 2:15). Before Eve was created, God made Adam to work. He had a great job and worked under ideal conditions. But something was missing; so God created for him a helper. Her name was Eve.

Go back in your minds to the time you were dating your husband-to-be. You glowed as you sensed the relationship was getting serious. You said, "I love you. I'm here for you. I respect what you want to do and who you want to be." That respect was one of the very things which wooed him to you. But then something happens after marriage. Her way of helping feels anything but respectful to her husband.

I meet a lot of people at Crooked Creek Park. When I meet a man, without fail one of us is going to ask the question, "What kind of work do you do?" That's not just small talk. A man identifies himself by his work. God created men to do something in the field. That's why even little boys will pick up a stick and make it into a gun, a tool or a baseball bat.

Women, how many of you have sons? How do you want your future daughter-in-law to treat your son? You want her to support him just as your husband wants you to support him.

Many women have no idea the importance men place on their work. If you say or imply anything that his work is not that important, you have just called him a loser.

I'm not suggesting that women don't have the desire to work. Nor do my remarks imply that it's okay for the job to become an idol for the man. Usually, women see careers as a freedom of choice issue. They desire the freedom to choose to work or to stay at home. But comedian Tim Allen hit the nail on the head for men. He said men have one choice—work or go to jail.

I know some men stay at home while the wife works. But, by and large, I believe at the core, most men reflect Adam with his call to work in the field for his family. And I believe most women are like Eve with her call to nurture the family. Only she can have a baby; and she wants Adam to work in the field on her behalf.

The "H" stands for hierarchy. By using this word, I do not suggest the chauvinist mindset that man is superior and the wife is inferior. Turn with me to Ephesians 5 (p. 829). When I use the term hierarchy, I'm talking about the fact that God has built within man the desire to protect and provide for his wife and family. Each year billions and billions of dollars are spent on life insurance policies, most of which are initiated by men who want to make sure that their family is cared for should they die prematurely.

The biblical model for hierarchy is portrayed in Ephesians 5. Read verses 22-24 with me. Wives, submit to your husbands. The word submit means "to rank under or place under." God is not giving men some wholesale label of superiority over his wife. No, he is giving him tremendous responsibility. Read verses 25-27. The man's responsibility is clearly spelled out. He is to love the wife as Christ loved the church. That's why the man sees it as his duty to protect. The wife is called to place herself under that protection. This in no way, shape or form suggests male superiority.

Many women live in fear of the man's abuse of his hierarchal position. Certainly, evil men do evil things. But if the man is good-willed (which I believe most are), his position will not lead him to abuse the position God gave him. He wouldn't dream of using the Chair against those he loves and is called to protect.

So in the ideal marriage the wife is subject to her husband and under his protection. The husband loves his wife and is willing to die for her. The last thing he wants is to take advantage of her or to treat her as inferior. The problem with many wives is that they want to be treated like a queen; but they resist treating their husband like a king. They aren't willing to recognize that in the depths of a man's soul he wants to be the one who provides and protects.

Since the husband's desire to provide is God-given, men become very sensitive to put-downs in this area. If you want to deflate a man's sense of pride, complain about how little he makes and how he ought to be out hunting a second job. Or be at someone's house, someone who has much nicer things than you do, and tell your husband in front of your friends, "See what we could have if you made more money."

To show respect for your husband, affirm him in his efforts to provide and protect. Praise his commitment to the family as the head of the house.

The "A" stands for authority. The wife must appreciate her husband's desire to serve and lead. In a conference for wives only, a young wife said, "I want him to be the head. I want him to be the leader. I just want to make sure that he makes decisions in keeping with what I want."

A couple got married and agreed up front that he would make all the major decisions and she would make all the minor decisions. After 20 years, he realized there had not been one major decision yet.

The subject of male headship and authority is a very sensitive issue in our feminist-dominated culture. What does the Bible teach and is it still valid today? Let me go ahead and say "yes" to the second question. Yes, the Bible's teaching on this subject is still valid today.

Look at the Ephesians 5 passage again. In Christian circles today, much is heard about mutual submission. This belief is based on verse 21 which says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). The idea behind mutual submission is that the wife and husband are to mutually submit to one another, with the conclusion that the wife does not owe any type of unique submission to her husband. But then that negates verse 22 which commands the wife to submit to her husband.

What does verse 21 mean? For the husband and wife I think it means that the husband submits to his wife by loving her, and the wife submits to her husband by respecting him. Let's say there is a conflict about how to spend money. He submits by meeting her need to feel loved and understood. She submits by meeting his need for respect. If couples approached each other with love and respect in every arena of conflict, they could resolve practically every issue.

There are times when the wife should not submit. She should not be submissive in a relationship where the husband is beating her or the children. She should never submit to his decision to do something immoral, wrong, or evil. In these cases, he is no longer a good-willed husband. He has forfeited his right to be the head and to be followed. Submission to God always takes precedence over submission to the husband. Men, don't try to interfere with your wife's desires to be obedient to God, even in the arenas of church attendance and tithing, two questions I am commonly asked by wives.

What if the wife disagrees with her husband about some issue? The Bible provides a clear principle when it says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives" (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Women can win their husband's hearts with quiet, respectful behavior. If the quietness is the right kind of quietness (I think you know what I mean), he will move toward you. The Bible is not sexist. Feminists say the Bible puts women down. Actually the Bible holds up women and gives them advice on how to realize their fondest desires. You get what you want by giving him what he wants. And what your husband wants is for you to acknowledge that he is the God-ordained leader and head of the home. And when he comes to you and says, "Honey, what do you think," don't say, "I'm not the head, you are." Approaching you is his way of saying, "We're a team. I love you. Let's work this thing out together."

If your husband is passive and disconnected on family matters, I encourage you to defer to him more. Why is he passive? Likely, in the past every time he stepped up to the plate, you had a better idea. After a while he just let you have your way. So defer more.

For the domineering husband, give him the respect he is looking for. If you do, he is likely to back off and be less controlling.

Wives, respect your husband's God-given authority. Respect his desires to serve and to lead. Support him as the leader. Praise his good decisions. Be gracious when he makes a bad decision. When you disagree with him, do so respectfully and privately (not in front of others). Give reasons for disagreeing with a positive, reasonable spirit. But don't attack his right to lead.

Conquest, hierarchy, authority—three of the six needs present in your husbands. Respect him. But keep in mind—all these biblically-based principles won't amount to anything unless and until you have given Jesus Christ full charge of your life. Your love for Him must supersede everything else. Give Him full control and He will help you love your wife and respect your husband.