Anybody feel like dancing? R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. Aretha Franklin made this song one of the ultimate soul classics in the 60s. She sings about wanting respect from her man. I bet you didn't know, however, that the song was actually written by Otis Redding and released in 1965. He sings about wanting respect from his wife.

Respect, as we have seen, is the mother language for men. They place a higher value on respect than they do on love. Last week I talked with wives on this issue of respecting their husbands. We will continue that theme today.

Last month I began a series of sermons on marriage. We're calling it "Love after Marriage." One key verse has served as the foundation for these messages. It says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband. Two words can save your marriage: love and respect. How do you spell love? We spelled it using the acrostic C-O-U-P-L-E and talked about six ways men can love their wife. How do you spell respect? We're using the acrostic C-H-A-I-R-S to describe six ways that wives need to show respect for their husband. Last week we talked about conquest, hierarchy, and authority. Today, we pick up with the "I".

The "I" stands for insight. The wife needs to appreciate man's desire to analyze and counsel. A wife had very little respect for her husband. She constantly put him down and made fun of his opinions and ideas. One day she was in town shopping and decided to drop in on him at work.

An eye-opening experience it was. While she waited for him to get free from a couple of associates, she noticed how his coworkers had high respect for him. His boss, his attractive secretary, and even an older gentleman who worked under him. They all looked up to him with respectful admiration.

She cut her visit short, jumped into her car, and burst into tears. She realized for the first time that this disrespect was not because he was a lousy husband but because he was not what she wanted him to be. Through the years she had overlooked his ability and insight. She also overlooked his need to receive the same kind of respect at home that he received at work.

Speaking in generalities, men often are sized up as one-sided, opinionated and inattentive. Women are often viewed as having the power of exclusive and unusual intuition. It is true that women have intuition, and men should listen. But also women have blind spots and need the insights of their husbands.

Referring to the fall of Adam and Eve at the beginning of time, the Bible says, "And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner" (1 Timothy 2:14). Satan had deceived Eve into thinking that eating the forbidden fruit would make her wise like God. The point I'm trying to make here is that it was Eve who was deceived. Adam was not deceived. He just outrightly disobeyed. And because of his disobedience God brought judgment upon the whole world.

This verse (and others) is not a chauvinistic put-down of women. Husbands should listen to their wife, especially if she is naturally intuitive. But wives should never fail to appreciate the insight that God gave her husband by rejecting his counsel.

I wonder if there is a dangerous trend happening in our culture where wives are becoming the primary voice in a marriage. I think that is dangerous because I believe God calls for a biblical balance where the husband and wife need the insights of each other.

One way that women often show disrespect to their husband is by thinking too highly of their own intuition. Everyone can be deceived. Are there some ways that the serpent is subtly deceiving you? A common problem is the issue of spiritual leadership in the home. Many wives will criticize their husbands for not being the spiritual leader. This may or may not be true. But one thing is for sure. If you are judging your husband with a spirit of contempt, you are hurting the heart of God. Contempt grieves God.

Did your husband ever attempt to lead, but you differed with him and thought his idea was stupid? Have you ever sent him the message that you don't intend to follow if you disagree? Do you ever have the attitude that says, "I want you to lead, but only when it bolsters my desires?" Is there a chance at all that you have an attitude of self-righteousness?

What if your husband points out an area of concern that you need to work on? How do you respond? It is very easy for the wife to discount or disparage his suggestion that she has a problem area that needs correcting. She may be offended or angered or conclude that he has no right to point out any weakness. Often the spirit of contempt results.

Appreciate your husband's desire to analyze and counsel. Realize he does have insight. Beware of any self-righteousness that undermines his insight. If you see yourself as better than your husband, especially in the spiritual realm, he will back away spiritually and in other ways. He may even begin to see himself as the one with all the problems, and she has none. I remind you of a very important Bible verse. "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us" (1 John 1:8).

He may even go into the silent mode because he fears more blame from his wife. She asks, "Why are you always quiet?" He thinks to himself, "If I respond with the truth, I will be in trouble. If I stay quiet, I will be in trouble. If I don't say anything, though, I will be in less trouble."

Tell your husband that you need his ear. Thank him for his advice. Counsel him respectfully when you disagree. As one counselor said, "You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice."

The "R" stands for relationships. You need to appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.

After many attempts a wife decided she would go deer hunting with her husband. She assisted in getting the blind up. After getting situated, they sat for hours and hours waiting for a deer to pass by. They saw nothing, they shot at nothing, and they said nothing. They took the blind down and headed back to the car. Still not one word. As they were walking down the trail, he turned to her and said, "Honey, this was awesome."

That story depicts one of the major pink-blue differences. Men communicate by sharing experiences. Women share experiences by talking about them with each other. They share their emotions and impressions. Men want to share activities with you even if there is no talking. In fact, for him, the less talking, the more meaningful the experience is. It's a big deal for him for you just to sit down and be with him.

"Honey, come watch this show on television with me." You come and sit. During the show, he may make some comments about the show. All the while you're thinking, "I've got laundry to do, counters to clean, and bills to pay. "How could he think this is building our relationship?"

Why do men like this shoulder-to-shoulder silence from women? I know it's weird, and I don't know why other than it's this blue-pink stuff. We find glimpses of this truth in the Bible. In the Song of Songs, the wife is bragging to the other women about what a fine man she has. She says, "His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem" (Song of Songs 5:16).

Men prefer shoulder-to-shoulder versus face-to-face communication. The wife says, "Shouldn't we be talking?" He says, "I'm content just to be with you." Men grow close to one another by doing activities shoulder-to-shoulder. Over time, they bond. There is little negativity or complaining. They don't focus on the relationship or talk about their feelings for each other.

He finds a woman, falls in love and gets married. He assumes that he will have shoulder-to-shoulder with his wife just like he had with his friends. Early on, things are fine. She is his real friend. Three children later, she says, "I don't have time to fly fish or hang out." To her, being together and never talking is absurd. For the relationship to work, there must be give-and-take. Wife, give your husband some shoulder-to-shoulder time. Men, give your wives some face-to-face time.

Are you ready for the "S"? The "S" stands for supper. I couldn't resist. Actually, the "S" stands for sexuality. You need to appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy. You know, Satan will do everything he can to bring two people together sexually before they get married. Then he will do everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage. She wants intimacy without all the sexual touching; he wants sex and is impatient with affection only.

A man's number one need is not sex. Sex is symbolic of his deepest need—respect. His wife needs emotional release through talking. When that occurs, she feels loved. When he refuses to talk, that communicates to her that he does not care about her. He has a need for physical release through sexual intimacy. When she refuses, that communicates to him that she does not respect him and his need.

Wives, you need to understand that your husband's sexuality is different from yours. "She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love" (Proverbs 5:19, NLT). This verse suggests that when it comes to sexual desire, men are visually oriented. A man sees a beautiful woman with a beautiful figure and he is stimulated. Women are not visually oriented to the degree that men are.

You can step out of the shower, and he is all eyes. He can step out of the shower, and you say, "Stand on the bath mat."

When it comes to our sexuality, the husband and wife need to meet each others' needs. The Bible says, "The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband" (1 Corinthians 7:3). Sexual issues in a marriage can keep a couple on the crazy cycle. Without sex, he feels disrespected. And when he feels disrespected, he reacts in unloving ways toward you.

He needs sexual release in the same way that you need intimacy and emotional release. For man, the sexual act in and of itself brings him satisfaction. The woman has the need to feel and be close in order to share sexually. It is reverse for him; it is the sexual act that brings the two of you close. Here is the Golden Rule: you can't get what you need as long as you are depriving your partner what your partner needs.

Men are often lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home. In no way does that comment minimize the man's guilt and disobedience before God. Usually the man is given the most blame for the affair. But in many cases he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped bring on him.

Wives, your husband may love you with all of his heart. He may be completely devoted to you and to his family. But in a world where ladies' fashions seem to cover less and less of the human body, his devotion to you does not preclude him from facing sexual temptation. That's why this respect issue is so important. If a man falls for another woman, it's probably not as much that she is very attractive as it is that she shows him respect. She says things that affirm him and build him up.

So affirm your husband's desire for sexual intimacy. If he feels you don't respect his struggle in this area, he will pull back from you. But he needs you. As you seek to meet his needs in this area, I believe you will find him reaching out to meet yours.

Whew! I'm glad that's over. Wives, respect your husband. How? Conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationships, and sexuality. But please don't ever forget that these how-to's are meaningless unless you allow Jesus Christ to be the Lord of every detail of your life. As you give Him full control of your life, He will give you the supernatural ability to love and to respect.